My Stompin Grounds
1/4 part of me: I want to be cute and delicate and have a petite body.
1/4 part of me: I want to look smokin' hot and sexy in a bikini and have curves and a fuck you attitude
1/4 part of me: I don't even care man I can totally eat all of that cake watch me
1/4 part of me: I want to murder everyone and laugh as i bathe in their blood
The day my daughter brings a boy home, he will get to see my armory. I will ask him which weapon he likes the most. We will go to the back yard and shoot some targets. After we finish, I’ll tell him if he breaks her heart, he chose his murder weapon.
(I work the floor at an independently-owned menswear store. The owner, my boss, spends a lot of time at the shop, and tries to keep prices as low as possible to help our city’s large homeless population get good job interview clothes. A clearly homeless man is wandering around the store. The other patrons are giving him looks.)
Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Customer: “I think you may want to call security. That… bum over there, he keeps feeling the suits and muttering to himself. I’m just sure he’s planning to steal one.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, I think that’s quite unlikely.”
Customer: “Oh, come on, you know how they are! I mean, I’d keep an eye on him even if he wasn’t homeless!”
(The homeless man in question happens to be Hispanic.)
Me: “We don’t discriminate here, ma’am.”
Customer: “Well, I’m sure the owner would want to hear about this!”
(I give in and call him over. The customer explains her concerns. As a black man, my boss isn’t happy with her racism, but agrees to talk to the homeless man.)
Owner: “Excuse me, sir, are you finding what you need?”
Homeless Man: “Well, not really. I’m hoping for something versatile in a dark or navy wool, but most of the options in my size are cut American style instead of European, which fits me a little better. Not to mention they’re all pinstriped, which I really don’t have the build for, you know?”
Owner: “I… yes, I understand. I think we may have some options over here, if you’ll follow me. How did you know all that?”
Homeless Man: “Back before I lost my job, I used to be really into this stuff. I’m not looking for anything fancy, just something I can use to look good for a job interview later today.”
(My boss helps him find something he likes, and comes to the counter with him. The suit is priced at $87.)
Homeless Man: *digging in his pockets* “Hang on, I think I’ve got enough.”
Owner: *to me* “Take my card. I’m buying it for him.” *to the homeless man* “Here. The suit’s yours, on one condition. After your interview today, you come back and apply for a job here too. Got it?”
Homeless Man: “I… oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much.”
(Two years later, that formerly-homeless man is my manager, and has a little girl with his new wife—the owner’s sister.)

1innea:

kittenesque:

pr1nceshawn:

Husbands can be incredibly helpful.

That one with the Christmas lights is creative, though!

Husbands are incredibly useless

prof3ssionalfangirl:

ehehehelokid:

nooby-banana:

handsoffmysmuppets:

aradiyeah:

tacoposey:

what if we just created a fandom for a tv show that doesn’t exist and we build it up really big and make a ton of inside jokes until the internet just accepts it as a real show and it starts getting included in polls and gets it’s own imdb page and a group of outsiders go crazy trying to find dl links

image

let’s do this guys

There’s even an opening sequence omg

image

SO THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING GUYS

OMG

switch-off-the-stars:

squidsqueen:

dw:

when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

When it occured to us that “said” implies a direct quote, while “was like” clarifies that you mean to communicate the person’s tone and general point without quoting them word for word.

THANK YOU

lecic-has-a-shovel:

yungterra:

There is nothing worse than hearing people attempt to sound intelligent by using lengthy words and MISUSING THEM

I completely photosynthesize with this

willurl:

loser-fish:

Today in biology the teacher asked “why do chromosomes have to stick together?” And I whispered “because they’re bromosomes” and the guy next to me just about died laughing

no homosome